A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t