People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?