a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
The smoothest fall of all time
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
😅🤣😂
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
time for some seasonal decor
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.