“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.