Not all heroes wear capes….
You Might Also Like
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Interior design 👌
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports