You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
*limbos under the caution tape
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.