I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us