{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
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me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.