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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
his wife is probably gonna see that
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf