[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Every work meeting this week
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
This guy’s not having it 😆
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog