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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
🌱🌱🌱
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you