If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?