Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one