Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
This 4th of July, please remember…
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover