Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The future is now.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why