My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Why is no one talking about this?!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.