He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
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Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”