5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
4 pm:
5 pm:
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9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito