Dress for the job you want to sleep at
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it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish