[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.