something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
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Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.