One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991