Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
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Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I have never related to anyone more.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I wish this was real life…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name