Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Ghost costume 😂
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.