Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
This meal prepping shit easy
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?