What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m sorry…what?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?