I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Had a spot of bother earlier.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?