just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver