“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
🌱🌱🌱
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.