My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Stop it! 😂
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so