I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.