Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
You Might Also Like
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.