My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working