The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
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Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
🤣could you imagine
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
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