my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
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How to wake up a Beagle
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
the three branches of government
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.