Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.