Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
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On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*