The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.