He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.