[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
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5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
The best plant holders?
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
it must be school picture day
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.