3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Y’all know who you are.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
scrabbled eggs
be careful
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”