SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
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*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT