When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
who wore it better?
every single time
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?