Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
A family that plays together cheats.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?