One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course