I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.