[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
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date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
the answer was staring at me all along
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
what does he know…
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
pat pat
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?