I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
crochet youtube is brutal
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
consequences, the bane of my existence
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Doggies just call it style.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Nice try Hitler
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Anyone want a chair?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza