My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
2023 was just a warmup
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Ovenable?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line