It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
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I am crying
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more